Sam Venable 

Department of Irony

A Lot More Than Days are Counted Before ChristmasAmong the hundreds of joys that fill my heart every Christmas, one comes readily to mind: I’m ever-so-thankful I’m not an adjudicator for Guinness World Records.

Those are the people Guinness dispatches to every nook and cranny of the globe to make certain all the T’s are dotted and the I’s are crossed when someone applies for a record. Or, in the case of Christmas light competition, all the bulbs are counted.

Even if these people make $10,000 an hour, it’s not enough.

Consider what happened in 2015 when David Richards of Canberra, Australia, set the world record for most lights on an artificial Christmas tree at 518,838.

Please note: not “more than 518,000” or “nearly 519,000” or “a little over half a million.”

Instead, precisely 518,838. As in “1, 2, 3, 4, (calculate-calculate)-DON’T-INTERRUPT-ME!-278,356; 278,357; 278,35-ahh-choo!-Aaarrrrgh!-1, 2, 3, 4...”

The poor soul was not named by Guinness. I know it’s a woman, though, because I saw her on a YouTube account of the feat. Even all these years later, she’s probably still crawling across the floor of some 24-hour Canberra pub, chugging 32-ounce Foster’s fast and furious and mumbling incoherently.

But if you think she had it tough, consider the person(s) who tallied the most Christmas lights in a public square (1,529,103 in Myoko, Japan) or most Christmas lights on a house (601,736 in New York.)

Guinness adjudicators are up to their armpits in numbers at Christmas. Consider a few other Yule goodies they’ve recorded through the years.

  • Largest human Christmas tree: Chengannur, India, 4,030 individuals — color coordinated in red, green and brown clothes, depending on their respective role as ornaments, foliage or trunk. (Don’t know whether I feel sorrier for the counter or the organizer trying to keep everyone in place.)

  • Largest artificial Christmas tree: 236 feet, 6.58 inches, Colombo, Sri Lanka. (Hope they had an extra-long tape measure and weren’t afraid of heights.)

  • Largest gingerbread house by internal volume: 39,201.8 cubic feet, Bryan, Texas. (Were sample nibbles deducted?)

  • Longest Christmas wish list: 13,052.66 feet, Lapland, Finland. (No word on the most-requested item.)

  • Largest Christmas tree ornament: 15 feet, .31 inches in diameter, Forst, Italy. (How loud a noise would it make if dropped?)

  • Heaviest Santa Claus sled: 35,163 pounds, 11.73 ounces, Cobourg, Ontario, Canada. (PETA should sue on behalf of the reindeer.)

  • Largest gathering of Santa Clauses: 18,112, Kerala, India. (But which one was the Real McCoy?)


Thanks just the same, but I’ll settle for a half-dozen sugarplums.


Sam Venable is an author, comedic entertainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is “The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files).” He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.